A story to tell...

Let me share this story about my childhood friends family whom I consider to be my second family when I was still young, way back when we are still in our primary years and half of my secondary years. Before I moved out of the subdivision where I dreamed of many thing and planned my career.

I won't be disclosing their personal information. Though, I know that if someone knows me well reads this particular story they would recognize who's that childhood friend of mine is. I dedicate this story to them since I always remember their family the most during Christmas time, where i envy them so much even though my family is also doing great during this holiday season.

So here it goes...

!5 years ago, when I was still leaving in this small subdivision, I had this childhood friends who became so close to me and my family, they were like my sisters. At first they are not living inside the subdivision, they had their house just outside the subdivisions gate and they were my sister's classmate in Kindergarten and eventually as time passed by they also became my friends. My father who is a total friendly neighbor became friends with their mom and everyone outside the subdivision, since my father used to sell fishballs during night time roaming around the barangays near our place. I'm also having my haircut with one of their borders.

After a few years, they transferred inside the subdivision because their mom became the care taker of this apartment blocks near our home, actually in front of our house. This twins became more closer to us. We along with my siblings and some friends from the blocks used to play outside after school until 7pm, and since back then, we don't have our own TV set, we tend to go to their place just to watch movies and of course some of our favorite television shows.

We used to have a house party at their place with friends, watching movies, playing playstation games and of course sleep overs which happens almost everyday especially when our parents allowed all of us to sleep at their place. I even had my mother locked me out of the house since I went home very late. Simply because, I still don't want to go home since I love what i'm watching. I'm one of the eldest on our group that time and my friends mom always asks me to watch over them especially when she needs to leave at night, with extra "Baon", money of course coming from here, she's like a mom to me.

During Christmas, I envy them so much cause they always get what they want. New clothes, toys, games, money and etc, since their father has a good job in Manila. Their house has the best Christmas decoration cause their mom's very creative, have the best foods also. They are the happiest family I ever saw and admired, up until now of course, I wish I could go back and be with them again.

They picture the perfect family, hardworking and loving dad, caring, thoughtful and loving mom, and children who knows how to appreciate everything that is given to them, may it be big or small. One small yet happy family. Their parents even love taking good care of us, their friends. Their family is like friendship also, they have bonding moments whenever their dad goes home from manila.

But something happened that became a shock to all of us. We all knew at an early age that their mom was into drugs that time, along with one of our childhood friend's mom and some who also live on our neighborhood. Their mom was sent to rehab due to drugs, for six months. Their house became dull, so silent and so sad, my friends were not brought up us spoiled ones but responsible ones. They know how to work all by themselves at an early age and that's already something. Nobody knew what was happening from the inside, everything seems the same even though Tita was not around.

After six months, Tita was already cleared off and was sent back home, we thought that everything was still the same. She even tells us her story when she was still inside, she's perfectly better. Their family had to keep up with the missing days with their mom and so things were back to it's form. My parents had no news regarding this stuff coz I was already by myself that time. My family already left to my father's province for good. I was alone by myself and they where my family for a year and a half before my Aunts pulled me out of the house cause it was already been sold.

Shocked came to me when I heard the news one time I visited them advising that my friends mom and dad broke up. They already had a problem since they had their mom back from rehab. Their father had an affair when he was still in manila and so their mom had to leave and go back to her province. Shattered as it may be, but my friends kept on being strong as they are. They had to move out of their apartment and live with their Grandma, whom I actually don't like that much, may her soul be at peace.

Last time I was with them was in Zambales, they were staying at their mother's friend's house and then went back to Pampanga. But then again, the other half stayed with their mom in Laguna, from which I heard that they are happy coz their mom already moved forward with her life and has a boyfriend.

Right now, I don't have any news from them, I heard that the other one is having a baby and no news with the other half. I'm just hoping that both of them will be in good condition. I miss the Family that I admire so much, but what can with do, fate keeps on changing what we intend to keep.

A long weekend trip with friends...

Due to thanks giving holiday in US, we ended up having no work since Thursday. My account with the company am working with follows US holidays unless there's a lot of stuff to work on with.

My friends and I planned on going to Enchanted Kingdom during this holiday for a month and recently we planned of going straight to Tagaytay since one of our workmate suggested that we can stay to their house in Laguna and since Tagaytay is just 25 mins away from their place, he also suggested that we can go their if we want.

Our initial plan was to commute, ride a bus and find an apartelle or hotel to stay overnight then go back to Manila for Divisoria. Then due to suggestions, we rented a van w/o driver so that we can go wherever we wish to go. However, two days before the big day, our friends grand father died so we need to make a new plan and work it out. Pushed through with renting a van and then going to Tagaytay until lunch time and then to Enchanted Kingdom afterwards.

We left around five thirty in the morning from Dau bus terminal. Traveled pass through NLEX then to Sta. Mesa to SLEX going to Tagaytay. We reached Peoples Park around 9am, we bought some stuff for our friends and for ourselves, shirts, key chains and etc. Had our lunch at the Picnic Grove over looking the beautiful scenery of Taal lake. After having our lunch, we went down to the city looking for ATM booths, and one of the biggest challenge that we faced during this trip, we still don't have our salary and it's been 12 noon.

Still not losing hope, we went down to Laguna and look for a mall to spend our time while waiting for our salary. It's pass 2pm when we reached Walter mall so we checked our cards if we already have our money. Sad, but still there's none, so we thought of just roaming around and find a place to stay until 3pm since we still had no place to stay and that's the 2nd challenge that we need to solve.

Can't find the place the stay coz they can only provide two person per room accommodation and it's way too expensive so we keep on looking for a place to stay until one of our friends sister texted us and informed us that our pay has been out, so we went to SM Sta. Rosa which is the nearest mall from where we are at that time, amazing race indeed since we are all excited, we ran through the mall looking for an ATM booth. Three of us had trouble with their card number so they weren't able to withdraw money, we lend them money in order for us to push through with Enchanted Kingdom.

Quarter to 4pm when we reached Enchanted Kingdom, and the bad news that came to us. They are only open until 7pm and we only had 4 hours left to enjoy and have fun. Still excited and hyper as always, we went on and paid our tickets. There's a lot of people inside and all the rides has long lines with it, but that didn't stop us from enjoying ourselves from riding all the rides that we can ride on to. We enjoyed the rest of the evening seeing the view from the top while riding the Ferris Wheel.

We went on with our trip looking for the best "Buko Pie" shops for our family and friends. Then went back to Manila for a place to stay which took us a long time to find one and we ended up having an 8hrs stay at one motel in Sta. Mesa after roaming around Metro Manila for almost 4hrs.

The next day we went to Greenhills for our shopping spree, should've been to Divisoria but since it's Saturday, we can't just go there and be traffic by shoppers who's doing their Christmas shopping. Last year I was in US and now, I had the best long weekend ever, no money left, yes, but am so happy coz I've experience this fun with friends. Till next year... :)

Day 1 of Long Weekend from work...

Tonight will be the so called "Thanksgiving Holiday" in US and our account joins the holiday since we follow business days and hours in US. Turkeys will be out for dinner, hoping that we also have it here, family and friends gather together. I'm actually curious when did this holiday has started and why everyone needs to have Turkeys on their table? I'll try to do some research on this one, why not? History is one of my favorite subject when I was still studying.

When the clock strikes 6am means that our shift has ended and everyone is excited for all their plans during our four days vacation from work. Last night, we only have worked few tasked, most of our calls has VM's stating that they will only work half day and our queue has few task after all. We hit NRT for PTC queues several time the whole shift that's why we just chatted regarding our plans for the next three days coz definitely, today will be our rest day and the next days will be busy and fun.

My supervisor actually invited me to come to his house with the guys to have some drink and am not yet sure if I'll come since I still need to prepare for our EK and Tagaytay day tomorrow. I still need to decide on this one.

Today is the best day of my life coz problems has been solved and I only need to follow up my friend's reply on what she still owes me, which is totally "BIG TIME". Haven't heard from her yet for such a long time and I am already frustrated to go to their house and look for her. Anyway, am still happy coz things are getting better for me before the year ends. Still have some more plans to push through so I still need to focus more on saving and be thrifty.

There you go, I still need to rest and sleep even for just a short time, I still have long hours to spend when I wake up. I still need to go to the Gym to work on my abdominal. Ciao for now, I'll be posting my current activities, by Sunday.

What's more important? He says that he loves you but he never shows, or he always shows what he feels but can never say "I love you"...

What's more important? He says that he loves you but he never shows, or he always shows what he feels but can never say "I love you". One of my friends texted me this question this morning and I realized that we're in the same situation of having someone special in our lives and needs a confirmation if we can really be together and if that person really loves us, or it's just the same question Claudine Baretto asked Piolo Pascual in the movie "Milan", "mahal mo ba ako dahil kailangan mo ako, o kailangan mo ako kaya mahal mo ako?".

I am in this situation right now, I have this special friend who can't even give me tha chance of meeting him, he always texts me and answers my calls, and sometime he also calls me specially when I ran out of load and my SUPER150 already expired. He always says he loves me though it's quoted as "I love you bes" which means I love you bestfriend, and being sorry whenever I am making "tampo" cause he did something that I didn't like. He also says that he wants to marry me legally so that he will own me as his, though he still plans to have a wife of his own. Weird isn't, I'm not sure where am at right now in his life.

Saturday, 11/21/09, supposed to be our big day, the time that we will be meeting each other, I over slept and had to wake up past 5pm, in which I informed him earlier that I'll be waking up around 5pm. I checked my cellphone and whoa, text quote says "akala ko excited ka? eh bakit natutulog ka pa? kanina pa ako nagtetext", as they all say, "biruin mo na ang lasing wag lang ang bagong gising", temperature rise above my head and there, I texted him saying some bad things. I still pushed through with the plan of watching the Twilight saga "New Moon", with or without him coz I won't ruin my night just because he can't make it again. "Drawing" as we Filipinos pertain those people who can't keep their promises.

He informed me to stop calling cause he only have 1 bar left, then told me that he'll try to come as before the movie starts. I've waited for messages informing me that he can't make it and we'll just meet somewhere else, but there's none. I tried calling him but his phone is out of reach. I decided that this is really is it, enough of being so stupid that I keep on pushing myself to him. Anyway, he already informed men the other day that he doesn't want any confrontation and questions regarding his daily activities, we are free to do whatever we want to do without hurting each other. So be it, I can easily do that, anyway, once a BITCH always a BITCH. I'm already fed up with heartaches and suffering so it's not a big deal to me anymore. I have to move on with my life, being single is fun, and I still have a lot of dream to face and goal to achieve. Love can always wait, specially if that right person is just there waiting for the right moment.

Going back, I guess I'll better have a person who can't say "i love you" but who's always there always to show how much he care and how he feels. Action speaks louder than words anyway, I know that I am worth taking good care of and I deserve someone who will make me feel special everyday. I know how it feels being on the situation where he can only say "I love you" but you never realize if it's true or not since it's just a word spoken by the mouth which can often lie rather than spill out the truth.

Now, I realized that I had been stupid for one year with a man who keeps on saying he loves me but cannot even show himself to me, so it's a lesson to learn, two months is enough. I'll try my best to change everything tomorrow, whatever happens I had enough of the stupidity.

PHH on it's 2nd Year

Nov. 6, 2009 happens to be the PHH 2nd year Anniversary having Goth as party theme, though Nov. 5 was really the exact date, just so happen that it falls to Thursday and we need to make the party during our last day of the week for us not to be groggy and stressed. Every one participated by simple wearing black outfits and others like me wore costumes just to be in character for the said event, which I love doing so much cause it's a statement for my part.

A year ago, I said that we are fighting for this account, this family, this team and this job. Still the same since we need to prove ourselves worthy to our clients, to our big bosses. But we're all happy to do that cause it's a big thing for us. Still facing lot's of escalations and difficulties, but then again we try to do our best and try to work things out.

The biggest challenge happened just 2 weeks after the event when the big news exploded like a bomb, one of our team has been taken out and every one was being interv

iewed if they can be transferred to our voice team. After a week some undergone COL training but didn't finish it cause they were all requested to go back to production and work on the same process, however with the biggest challenge when it comes to their stats.

As of now now, we're all getting ready for the long weekend vacation since we are following the holidays in US. We still have a lot to face and a lot to prove to our clients, we still need to work on our productive utilization since we're not hitting our metrics for the 3rd quarter. I know that we will be moving forward and we'll stay being together for a longer time. Some of us already left and found bigger opportunity and I'm happy for them cause they are growing. In time it'll be for some of us who are left.

PHH is still the one family, one team and has one goal that we knew since it started 2 years back, and we're keeping it that way. Our goal is to help build American Dreams, we are all in one team and we work as one team though some of us don't work that way, we totally understand why. Of course, we are one big happy family, who always find time for each other, a helping hand and a shoulder to cry.

A PM who loves to give out chocolate incentive though we are hoping and wishing for bigger ones, we thank him. Our supervisors who are truly understanding specially my team's supervisor who is very open and kind hearted. Our QA's who are the biggest critics and most dangerous species on the floor. Our trainer, though she talks a lot, she's still one of the walls that we have in PHH. Shall I mention out SME's? who are kinda bossy at times, who irate us whenever RUSH tasks were being sent coz there's no warning, he'll just sue you about the task being lapse.

To the PHH Team, long live!!! We still have a lot of challenges and difficulties to face. But I know that in our hearts, we are all ready. Always been ready to fight anytime. God Bless us all.

And to my TPV family, hoping that we all stay the same as intact as we are since the first time that we all have been together.

We are ready for more anniversaries to come!!!

2009

40 days before Christmas day and another year will be over in 51 days, 9 hrs and 23 minutes from this time that I am writing this blog.

Year 2009 gave me a lot of difficulties and challenges, I learned how to handle some stuff which I never thought I can. Valuable lessons that I will always carry on to myself every time that I have some decisions to make and instincts to trust before pushing all through out with the plan.

I learned that not all the time you have to be good to other, to a friend especially. Not too give all your trust coz you'll never know what will happen next. I also learned that I can be someone whom I wanted to be without being so bully or boastful with what I have, since I have nothing at all. And most of all I learned to be myself, though I still need to lie with some stuff in order to be in with the society where I'm at right now.

I still have some plans before this year ends, like going to take the TOEFL examination in order to have the opportunity to grab the Fashion Designing scholarship I found online. To start my creativity working in order to finish my portfolio and also to have the dream of having my own portfolio as a model.

In this coming year, I am hoping and keeping the faith that things will all get better for me, I'm not going for the best. That there will be growth on my side and long term plans and goals that I will achieve. Plans of going back to school either here in the Philippines or might be abroad. Pushing with the online job search in order to leave the country to make my life and family's life better.

As for my personal life, I still tend to find that special person who will complete the missing pieces of my life's puzzle. I'm still waiting for that particular person who will accept, love and care for me.

Year 2009, thanks for all the challenges that came my way, it made me stronger and made my 23rd year in this lovely world more meaningful than ever. I will never forget all the lessons that you've thought me. Thank you so much.

As I always believe, "Fata viam Inveniente".

What Do I Do...

Nyoy Volante
Acoustics: Nyoy With Mannos [2003]

INTRO

What would you do if I told you that
All that I do's think of what we had
What would you do if I'm not the friend I used to be
Well, at least, not to me

REFRAIN 1
'Cause I can't get over all the times you stay
Get crazy, jealous every time you're away
Now I'm someone different from the one you knew
Had nothing to feel for you, to feel for you

CHORUS
What do I do
I keep calling out your name
What do I do
I got no one else to blame
What do I do
Every time I hold your hand, it's not the same
What do I do
I think I fell in love with you

What can I do, what can I say
Everything keeps changing every night, every day
Every word so diff'rent, every touch so real
Every glance and every look reveals the way I feel

REFRAIN 2
No, it's never ever gonna be the same
When we hug for warmth from the cold of the rain
Yet I'm not gonna move on, not gonna change
Though I find it hard to say, baby

[Repeat CHORUS]

BRIDGE
I don't know what to do
I'm fallin' more for you
Baby, please tell me...

[Repeat CHORUS]

CODA
Ooh oh
What do I do

-from RR with love 10/20/09

Song of My Heart...

You came along, unexpectedly
I was doing fine in my little world
Oh baby please don't get me wrong
'Cause I'm not complaining
But you see, you got my mind spinning

Why can't it be
Why can't it be the two of us
Why can't we be lovers
Only friends
You came along
At a wrong place, at a wrong time
Or was it me

Baby I dream of you every minute
You're in my dreams
You're always in it
That's the only place I know
Where you could be mine
And I'm yours but only
Till I wake up

Why can't it be
Why can't it be the two of us
Why can't we be lovers
Only friends
You came along
At a wrong place, at a wrong time
You came along
At a wrong place, at a wrong time
Or was it me
-- This song currently reminds me of the love that I've lost, a love that I was trying to gain...

Broken Heart...

It started in the chat room, gay site to be exact, we get along pretty well. I started out admiring him and then he accepted me as me. As always, since I have a huge crush on him, I can't talk to him nor greet him whenever we meet on our work area.

Got the chance to have a bonding with him when I got sick, he was there, we get along just fine.
He is sweet and caring, he even asked me to take good care of myself and his always there beside me "umaalalay". At work, I had the chance to sit and talk beside him during our coffee break. My friends tease me a lot coz they all knew how huge my admiration for him was.

I never thought that I'll be falling for him, they say that "a way to man's heart is through his stomach", so, I tried to let him taste my delicacies, one that me and my aunt deliver at every school canteen. He was happy coz I never thought that it was his fave. So every time we bake, I'll see to it that there's something for him. I'm happy seeing him happy even though I know that he's having trouble with his job.

We keep in touch through chat, talking about what's new with our selves, with our jobs. We confide problems, I always do, coz it make me feel better opening stuffs to him. I try to cheer him up whenever he feels down due to some work matters and personal problems. I thought that eerything going out pretty well. I thought that I'll have the chance to show him how I care.
Last Sunday, I saw this note he wrote in his FB profile, I checked it out. It was a poem written for someone special, I had an instinct that it was dedicated for someone special. I commented and it, and BANG! there the person whom the poem was dedicated to was tagged.

I don't know why but it made my heart cry, I felt the pain without even knowing why. I know that he considers me as his friend and no more than that. It was my fault coz I dreamed that one day we can be together not just as friends but as someone special with each other.

The worst and saddest part that makes me cry right now while writing this blog, He officially declared that he's no longer single, he's married...

-Should I be happy coz he already found his someone special or should I be sad coz he didn't chose me instead...

We all learn... -Ryan Tuazon-

Life and relationships are funny in the way that they don’t always remain the same. Sometimes people change so much that relationships become harder to maintain. Lovers, friends and even family need to grow and evolve together or they may find themselves feeling the need to pull apart. If you don’t allow these things to happen and move with the tide a little, you’ll find yourself constantly struggling as you swim against the current. That is tiresome. You find yourself held back. When you feel you’re being stunted you become distressed, frustrated and sometimes you become a little bitter about those who are holding you back in life. Alanis Morisette said it best when she sang:



I recommend getting your heart trampled on to anyone
I recommend walking around naked in your living room
Swallow it down (what a jagged little pill)
It feels so good (swimming in your stomach)
Wait until the dust settles
You live you learn
You love you learn
You cry you learn
You lose you learn
You bleed you learn
You scream you learn
I recommend biting off more then you can chew to anyone
I certainly do
I recommend sticking your foot in your mouth at any time
Feel free
Throw it down (the caution blocks you from the wind)
Hold it up (to the rays)
You wait and see when the smoke clears
You live you learn
You love you learn
You cry you learn
You lose you learn
You bleed you learn
You scream you learn
Wear it out (the way a three-year-old would do)
Melt it down (you’re gonna have to eventually anyway)
The fire trucks are coming up around the bend
You live you learn
You love you learn
You cry you learn
You lose you learn
You bleed you learn
You scream you learn
You grieve you learn
You choke you learn
You laugh you learn
You choose you learn
You pray you learn
You ask you learn
You live you learn

09/11/09 Fri at 21:07

It was cold, When you came, you gave life and warmth. - Christpher Ken Daine

What does your love mean to me. It's something i can't answer easily.
just like the air that i breathe, you fill me up inside, you give me all that i need.
like a bird flying high on a summers day. You're the wind that carries me away
to a place where you and i will always stay forever.

Sometimes things happen, and they do for a reason. It may be too early for me to say we'll last forever, but I know I love you till I say never.

09/13/09 (Today at 03:11)

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. - Lao Tzu

I asked a friend what love is, he told me it's when the thought of him makes you smile. When I met you, I told myself, ' this must be it'...

If you're my baby, I promise I won't hurt you. If you're mine, I promise I'd be loyal to you. But you're only my friend and I can't promise I won't fall for you...

Each time I miss you, a star falls down from the sky. So if you look up and find it dark, it is all your fault. You made me miss you too much...

There's a love that only you can give, a smile that only your lips can show, a twinkle that can only be seen in your eyes and my life that only you can complete...

An angel asked me awhile ago to give him one good reason why I love you so much. I smiled and said, " Because there;s no reason not to"...

50 years from now, I'd be so old I might forget you, I might not remember ever knowing you, or might forget I once cared for you. I might but I won't...

I will never stop loving you, even if you never start to love me. I will never stop being your friend, even if just being friends kills me... At least it's something...

I think part of the reason why we hold on to something so tight for so long is because we fear that something so great won't happen twice...

I may not see you often as I like. i may not hold you all through the night, but deep inside my heart I know that this is true, no matter what I do I will always love you...

I love you so much my heart is sure. As time goes on, I love you more... Your happy smile... Your loving face... No one will ever take your place...

I have liked many but loved very few... yet, no one has been as sweet as you. I'd stand and wait in the worlds longest queue, just for the pleasure of a moment with you...

I get the best feeling in the world when you say hi or even smile at me because I know, even if it's just for a second, that I've crossed your mind...

Hold my hands, I'll close my eyes. Kiss my lips, I'll start to cry. Ask me why? All I will say is you don't know how I've waited for this day...

I cannot speak, I lost my voice. i am speechless and redundant cause I love you' is not enough. I am lost for words...

How can you tell the rain not to fall when clouds exist? How can you tell the leaves not to fall when the wind exist? How can you tell me not to fall in love when you exist?...

Find yourself before you fall in love so you bring with you everything you need to weather all condition and the peaks and troughs that are the process of loving...

Dreaming of you makes my nights worthwhile, just thinking of you makes me smile. Being with you is the best thing ever and loving you is what I'll do forever...

You'll learn to like someone when you find out what makes her laugh but you can truly love someone until you find out what makes her cry...

Would you believe me if I tell you that I love you so much? Actually I'd prefer it if you won't. Why? so that I can spend the rest of my life proving to you how much I do...

When it rains, you don't see the sun, but it's there. hope we can be like that. We don't always see each other but we will always be there for each other...

When the time comes that you'll have to leave me, can you promise to tell me first? So I can take one last look at my one and only possession before it's gone...

So many of us fear tomorrow or regret yesterday. Me? I won't fear tomorrow if I'd get to be with you. And I don't regret yesterday coz one yesterday I met you...

Theory says that life on earth came from a long meteor crash long ago. I don't know about that, but I know life's a whole lot better since you crushed into mine...

Shattered Dreams...

Last December of 2008, one of my friend came to me and asked for financial help. Her father needs to be operated with his slip disk, she asked me if I want to get a bank loan. At first my plan was to use the loan for my school back fees so that comes June I could enroll and then go back to my studies. But then my friend asked if she could borrow 3/4 of the amount that I'm going to have, since she needs financial help that time badly, I did not hesitate to give the amount that she was trying to borrow. I lent it to her.

First payment for the loan, I asked if I will be the one to pay for it, she told me that she'll do it. Since she promised me that, I hold on to her word, I did not drop any single cent to my check book account. After a month, the bank called me and was advised that I need to pay the amount needed because the bank where I loaned the money, I was disappointed, but then I just asked them to cancel it and I'll just pay the said amount. I called my friend, still she insist that she'll be paying for the monthly loan payment, and same thing as before, I listened to her.

Comes February, worst thing happened, my checking account closed since I'm not depositing any since I was told be my friend that she'll take good care of it, I've got nothing to deposit that particular day coz I already spent my salary. I've decided that no matter what she promise it keeps on being broken, so I just made things clear to myself that I already own the responsilbility of paying the debts that was not even on my plan after all. I see to it that, I'll be saving enough money to pay its monthly charge.

Since I wasn't able to pay on exact month, I had two months delay and right now I've been 4 months delayed due to extra curricular activities that I had at work that has financial involvement. Last month, I took my SSS loan just to have the amount to pay my delayed charges and so that it won't have penalty charges, however, it was already to late, I received a notice letter from the bank stating that I was already penalized and it was 24% of the amount that I have to pay. My heart sunk but I can't think of anything but the just to face this problems.

My dream of going to school this school years 2nd semester shattered into pieces, coz even my "paluwagan" this coming November will go to the bank to pay off the loan. I've been excited and really prepared to go back to school, I even started planning my time management since I won't be resigning with my current job right now coz I love it so much that I can't even try to leave and seek for bigger opportunity. Anyway, bigger opportunity for me is like leaving the country and work abroad. Becoming one of the best Fashion Designer of the country and also the world if ever. Having my own modelling agency which will handle international models and supermodels.

Right now, I just keep my faith that in time I'll have everything solved and paid. All the hard works for this year is the biggest challenge I ever faced for the past years of my life, next to being left by my family when I was still in highschool. I cried of course, but after the tears, I have to smile back and face the problem. I know that no matter what happens, in time, I'll be going back to school and finish my studies, have the degree which will make my appraisal bigger when I seek for another career.

Shattered it may be, but I know that there's something more bigger waiting for me. Somewhere where they will appreciate all my hardworks, my passion and my dedication for every job and responsibilities that's entrusted in me.

"Bargain Heart"

"who wants to buy my heart? i'm having it for sale.. though it's only second hand, scratched and dented, still it functions real well.. i sold it before, they treated it rough and they returned it broken.. they never paid for what they owed.. now, i had it all repaired and i'm back in business again.. i spent the last month fixing it up.. who wants to buy my heart? satisfaction guaranteed.. it has free service charge and a lifetime warranty.. i'll cut you a deal.. if you're asking for the price, well.. you're in a bargain.. it only cost TRUE LOVE :-( "

Qoutes from the heart...

Love is a noble act of self giving.
The more you love, the more you lose a part of you.
Yet, you do not become less of who you are.
In fact, you end up being complete.

Life is not a series of meaningless accidents.
When things are bound to happen, they will.
You're not an accident and I was meant to know you.
That's serendipity.

If you're leaving, take me with you.
If you're running away, take me to.
If you're jumping off, hold my hand.
I love life but it's worth losing if I lose it with you.

If you could be a part of my body, I'll let you be my heart.
For I want you to be the one who beats, be the center of my emotions
and be the last one to stop when I'm gone.

If I could reach the rainbow, I'd pull it down and put your name on it,
then put it back in the sky so people would see how colorful my life has been with you in it.

If ever I was given the chance to start my life all over again, I would rather not accept it.
Who knows? In that second start, I may not have known you at all.

I wish I could be with you every night, watch you fall asleep and kiss you goodnight.
When I get to heaven, I know just what to do,
I'll spend eternity watching over you.

Don;t ever get tired of life.
It doesn't matter if you fall several times coz each time you fall,
I won't let you reach the ground.
Trust me, I'll always be around.

You're one of the people I never asked fro God,
But still, He gave you to me.
I asked Him why? He said,
"Because he can fill your life like no one else can"

Please allow me to stare at you.
Please let me prove this love is true.
Please give me a chance to be closer to you.
Please, for I'm falling in love with you.

Whatever you do, I'll walk with you.
Hoping that your dreams come true.
Anytime, anywhere, I'll always be there.
Wishing you love and happiness coz I care.

True love is hard to find,
Special one, one of a kind.
I know it because it appeared to me on a strange day I met you.

You always said you wished you could find the person who loves you,
Then, I walked by and you don't even notice I'm the one who does.

Life is a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours,
we join up with them in mutual weirdness and call it love.

Wantin' you is easy,
Missin' you is hard,
Constantly I think of you when we are apart.
I've got the padlock you have the key to my heart.

You said you love me and want to hold me tight.
Those words run through my head day and night.
I dreamt you held me and made me see that forever together we would be.

The right guy isn't the one that flirts outrageously with you,
It's the one that stands in the background and catches you when you fall.

Relationships are like snapshots,
Some you remember and some you forget,
but some you never develop and you never get to see how they would have turned up.

People will forget what you said.
People will forget what you did.
but people will never forget haw you made them feel.

It is hard to let go of someone who has touched your life,
but it hurts more to say goodbye to some one when he was never yours yet change your life the most.

I hate the feeling knowing you can't just come up to me and put your arms around me.
I hate it so much because it was the only thing that could brighten up my day.

If I had to choose between you and everything in the world,
I would choose you cause then I'd have more than everything in the world.

Me, Myself and I

My real name is Jonathan Olaer Gapul. Born on February 23, 1986 under the sign of Pisces and a true blood Tiger. I am much closer with my Mom, though my Dad happens to be a stage father when I was still young, pushing me to join all the the events we have in school, from school plays to being sporty. My dad is a true blood "probinsyano" who happens to live like a bachelor at the age of 50+ (can you believe that?), he happens to have a "barkada" almost as my age, older than me of course. I am the eldest of four, some says I don't look like them unless you double check our features, some says, I'm more of my father's especially now that i'm already grown up. I even experienced being called by my Dad's name when I was buying something at the store near where I live.

I live with my friends family for five years now, considered as one of their family member. One thing that I've proven with my father's relative; someone will adopt me and care for me as one of their family member. I've been independent since the age of 13 since my family left me and stayed in my fathers province in Samar. I started working at the age of seventeen after I graduated from high school.

I've been into several fast food chains, Jollibee and Chowking to be particular, been into theatre as an actor and Stage Manager. Had the chance to work as an event coordinator and also been a Jr. Cook with one of the newly built restobar in the City. Haven't got the opportunity to finish my degree in HRM. Undergone call center training when I decided to try something new. Had the chance to work in Makati for 4 consecutive months, then back in Pampanga.

Been hired as an associate at Sutherland Global Services, been with the company for quite awhile now. enjoying my job and got the chance to go to US for Mortgage Training, one of the biggest opportunity that was given by the company. My dream is to become one of the top fashion designers around the Globe, well known and have my own modelling agency that handle potential models and actors.

I'm not a family person and I've never been into relationship for quite a long time. So currently am still single and looking for someone who will make me feel special. Motto in life; time is Gold; I'll rather be better than best coz there's always someone out there who's best than I am. "Fata Viam Inveniente". That's all for now...

Philosophies and Music in Life: from Soultaker's profile

"I'm trapped in this world Lonely and fading, Heart broke and waiting For you to come. We are stuck in this world that’s not meant for me, for me."

"Why is everything so fucking hard for me? Keep me down to what you think I should

"sadness is a gift if felt with honesty..."

"I'm screaming for something -- Knowing nothing is better than knowing it all"

"uninspired and growing tired why am i so attracted to drama so here i am, grown up at 23 will someone tell me what it takes to be happy"

"the broken watch you gave me turns into a compass, its two hands point to the same time -- 12:03, our last goodbye"

"If you could slit my throat, with my last one grasping breath, i'd apologived for bleeding at your shirt"

ONE LOVE by soultaker

Barriers are made to be broken/
And love is a destiny to unfold/
But what if the journey to forevers/
Laden with hindrance, we started to let go/

You’re the one who inspired me/
Show me how life is beautiful/
But yet everything feels so empty/
You’re too far, too perverse to reach on/

Even God would not honor this/
It is sinful to fall in love with you/
If only people would realize and understand/
My love for you is more than my life/

I love you but than we have no choice/
Only in our dreams our love will flow/
More than star-crossed sweethearts/
Our situation is left in the dark/

Let the memories last forever/
And all the heartaches vanishes to the sea/
As the wind blows and time runs faster/
Let the rainfall fades our everything

Our eyes will faithfully be the same/
The looks will always last forever/
Somehow, I know, as I will always be/
Hope will see us through, love will set us free/

Face Book Mania...

Ey, oras na para matulog, may duty ka pa mamaya noh... hahaha, na addict sa Facebook and Dyosa, ayaw ng matulog gustong mag pa level nalang.

Haisssttt, life is such a lot of fun whenever you go online, atleast playing this games in facebook makes me feel how to be rich once in awhile, having huge properties and earning millions of dollars per hour, take note; "per hour", howeever, just like real business, we need more people in order to grow, so we still need to have more friends.

But of course, reading blogs about BOF is still my priority. I need to know the latest updates regarding my dream boys, especially my two korean boybands; T-max and SS501. Thanks to Addicting towards BOF and Supigity blogs, I can read what's the latest happenings about them. Hmmn, still hoping that they'll have a tour in our country though.

As for me, feeling awkward with my team mates for being so judgemental about my friends whom I helped to be at our workplace. I don't really know what's the real reason behind, but what we see with our naked eyes is not always the truth, am I right? One thing I hate the most is when you say something bad at the back of my friends, (I always do that though especially when hate that particular person and I really don't like his or her attitude). Well, it doesn't matter what they say even if it's true. All I know is that they are my friends and I can accept them no matter what. What's the big deal of being gay or bisexual when you know how to handle yourself well and you're not hurting other peoples feeling, none, right? Just like me, am out and proud, and no matter what they say about me, by the end of the day I always have my friends and family to accept me.

For that particluar "BIATCH" who's trying to find out the truth and spreads rumor regarding my friends sexuality, damn you! you don't even deserve the position where you're at right now. Try to think twice why you did have that position and try to ask yourself if that truly belongs to you. In the end, you'll realize that you'll have to thank a lot of people coz even though we all hate your attitude, we still support you. As for my friends whom you can't stop spreading rumors with, the hell you care, no one will ever like your God damn attitude. As I always say, "Parents appreciate me, boys love and respects me, insecure hates me and my true friends couldn't live without me". Can you even say that?

I may be a little dreamy sometime, but I know my limitations, always happy to help and ready to stand up whenever I fall. When I'm torn apart, I tend to fix myself and when I lose a battle, I'm always ready to move on and fight again. Win or lose, champion or no champion, I'll always be standing chin up high, ready to accept every challenges that'll come my way. To you who make me feel worst, thank you! I really appreciate it, I'm now ready to learn and grow more better than before.

What an emotion... was entitled Facebook mania, but the contents doesn't seem one.

Back to work...

Haissst, long vacation is over... We might not be in the USA to celebrate July the 4th, but we still got the opportunity to enjoy the long weekend here in the Philippines. Thanks to our dear account and for the low volume that we got last week, me and my workmates got the chance to take a rest and do whatehatewe wish to do. It might be being online with facebook, online job searching for new career, or by just playing online games competing who'll have a high level on the games we play together.

As for me, I partyed last friday along with my friends, then go online and find new jobs that will help me grow, play online games 24 hrs. Helped my Aunt baking pastries for school deliveries early monday morning, and go online again to check my online games.

Searched for prospect BF's through guys4men and also through cable chat rooms, still can't find one. Am I a girl? why am I sooo choosy when it comes to finding the right peron for me. I really love to have a boyfriend who will be caring, sweet and thoughtful, someone who can accept me for who I am and can provide me with sexual satisfaction, meaning "huge" hahaha. Am I that demanding? guess so, but you can'n push yourself into loving and dating someone if there is no spark whenever you to are with each other.

Haaayyyy, can't move on with this stuffs, one day, I'll write a blog with my dream guy as the topic and subject so that if someone cares to read my blog, they can help me find one. What a pity, it's been what? 23 years of being lonely, what happened.

Hmmmnnn, it's monday again, in few hours, I'm going to work, thinking about how much salary will I be having on the 15th since I'm not hearing any words from my dear friend who happens to have a debt in me. I'm totally broke, can't even buy new clothing to change my wardrobe, the difficulty of not wearing uniforms for work. Fashion dilemma, call center agents understand my situation I guess, only job in the world after fashion jobs that needs to be fashionably updated.

So, have to go now, till next time, I know no one will care to read my blogs since it's more personal and it doesn't have any thing. No topics at all, free writing, what I'm thinking I'm writing even though it's far from the subject/title that I have. Anyone who cares to help me out, just post a comment, or kindly add me up on Facebook or Friendster; jgapul@yahoo.com.

Gone Crazy...

Har har,

Gaps gone crazy, for the past days, he's uploading photos of the BOF guys... especially Kim Bum... hoping that one day he'll get the chance to meet them.

Eto walang magawa, try nating mag upload ng mahigit 100 na photos ng kinababaliwang lalaki na hindi naman maaring maabot kasi taga Korea, eh ako eto asa Pinas.

Ganito lang poh ang buhay ng nangangarap ng tulog, ng gising at kahit na saan... Sabi nga nila, kung anong gusto mo dapat makuha mo basta wala kang nasasaktang iba... kaya hayun, sa pangarap nalang natin yun isakatuparan...

Haaayyy, it's really difficult being like this... not having things that you like, wishing that one day, what you're wishing for will come true.. sanga sangang palaisipang hindi masagot ninuman...

You are lucky if you got the oppurtunity to be an artist, or a socialite coz you have all the access to the popular person around you, might be from your country or might be from across the world... you understand what I mean right?

Mag audition kaya ako ulit sa PBB, makuha kaya ako? Hindi siguro, ndi ko Forte and on screen eh... pang live lang ako kumbaga, sabagay, being a theater actor is quite difficult than being onscreen coz you'll be acting live in front of hundred audience, no cuts no retakes... you need to "break a leg" and go on with the show no matter what happen...

Kailan kaya ako ulit makakapag perform sa harap ng maraming tao? I'm missing it sooo much especially the applause and the lights. The appreciation from the audience who watch the show, the autograph signing and picture taking.

Hayan, dahil wala na namang magawa sa buhay, habang hinihintay ang oras para sa reception ng kasal, mag laro sa facebook at mag download ng pictures sa Ipod.. mag sulat ng kung ano ano, kumain, magbayad ng tubig mamayang 8am, mag bayad ng utang sa kapitbahay at magbigay ng hulog sa paluwagan... ang natira sa sweldo... "WALA", saktong allowance para sa 2 weeks na pasok sa trabaho... maghintay sa susunod na sweldo at bayaran and smart bill, loan na humigit kumulang 52,000 na hindi ko nman lang nagamit sa aking kalandian...

Ikaw anong iniisip mo ngayon? hmmmn natatawa ka sa sinulat ko noh... xenxa na ha ndi kasi ako talaga writer eh.. Never been a writer actually, I love writing, however... writing doesn't love me, that's why I took a course in HRM when I was in college, haven't graduated though, as usual money matter... pero panlalaki madami... ehehehe

O sige na napurnada na yung mga pictures ko... sa susunod ulit, kwentuhan tayo... mga ka adikan sa buhay buhay... Ciao! paalam! anyong! bye!

Being BENCH...

After having Jerry Yan of F4 from Taiwan's Meteor Garden as one of the Bench endorser, will there be another one, now from Korea?

Meteor Garden was a hit when it was televised in ABS-CBN. May it be a girl, a boy, even older people go crazy with the F4 princes from Taiwan. Because of this major hit, one of the Philippines top clothing line "BENCH" made a very big step in having one of the F4 guys endorse their line. They tagged it as "F4ever" which became a hit to millions of Filipinos who drool over and go crazy for this famous F4 guys.

It was a huge success, though we didn't get the chance to meet him in person, since the Fashion show was held in Cebu (if am not mistaken), I'm happy that he went to the Philippines even for a short time, even got the opportunity to have a courtesy call in Malacanang Palace by our very own president, Gloria Macapagal- Arroyo.


For now, will there be a chance for one of the newest F4 group to have the same opportunity that he had? Will BENCH ask one of the Korea's F4 to be it's endorser once again? or maybe another clothing line will have them as endorsers, like Penshoppe, Oxygen or Pink and Blue Soda.

Are we going to see them here in the Philippines like the other Asia Novela stars who visited our country? Will it be the 4 of them or just one of them? Still, it's a big question from me, and from all of the fans that they have here in our country.

So, Mr. Ben Chan, what do you think?

Will there be a chance that on the next BENCH fashion show we will be seeing one of this guys? Hmmmn, or another big step for BENCH to market its product in Korea?

How about you guys? another "F4ever"?

Going gaga...

Drooling over the hottest F4 sensation for this year... After having the very first F4 princes from Taiwan's Meteor Garden Jerry Yan, Vic Zhou, Vaness Wu and Ken Chu, now girls and gays go gaga over the newest F4 cast from Korea's Boys Over Flower, Lee Min Ho, Kim Hyun Joong, Kim Bum and Kim Joon.

Who won't fall in love with this guys?, with their smile and the way they handle themselves and how they portray their roles as the great F4 princes who happens to be the most popular guys in the most popular university. All of us have this experience way back our school days, no matter what, every school has their own campus hearthrobs, may it be the MVP of the year, the handsome nerd and even those campus hunks who competes in every school pageants. They may not be as handsome and as wealthy as this F4 princes, yet we must admit that we have them in real life.

I took 2 days vacation leave from work, want to know what I did the whole 2 days? I watch the whole 25 episodes of boys over flower. I finished the whole dvd for straight 2 days, yet still, I watched it for 2nd time around during my saturday and sunday off. I loved the story, I love how it goes, I love the emotions, the way the cast portray their roles it seems very real. I love how their (Geum Jan Di, Gu Jun Pyo and Yoon Ji Hoo) love triangle goes, isn't unfair for a very simple lady to have both men love her? one considered to be her soulmate who happens to be her knight and shining armour who's always there when she's in trouble and whenever she needs some one to lean on and the other guy who happens to be her lover, the one who can't let her go after all the heart aches and suffering he caused his girl, he kept on holding on and keeping his promise of making ways to make her happy. How lucky am I to be on that situation, to be that character.

What comes next for me, I'll be watching the full meteor garden episode and compare the diffrence of the story with boys over flower. I'll try to seek for the difference of the two series. What I hope for? For the story to evolve, have stories for the other F4 members, what happens next after the main character accepts the guys proposal. Did the other guys have the same happy ending like the other two.

As for me, I'm dying to go to Korea and have the chance to meet and greet the cast of boys over flower, to have a picture taken with them. To have a pictorial with each of the F4 guys, to have the opportunity to have fun with them and know them better. My biggest dream is to take part as one of the cast when there will be a remake of the series. Any role will do, as for now, I can only dream of it when I sleep and think about it whenever I have time to.

Feeling Crazy again...

I'm back from being a child frustrated and infatuated with the guys that I'm seeing from what I've been watching.

What if I'll get the chance to meet them? What am I to do?
What if I'll get the opportunity to be with them even for a day, what am I to say?
Why do I dream of them, when I know that I can't even hold on to them?
Why do I get this feeling of doing everything just to meet them?

Am I still a child who just fall easily?
Am I still that person who goes "gaga" whenever I see those lovable hunks?
Am I still that person who manages to do whatever I wish to do just to meet this guys?
Or I am now the "bitch" who droll over and has the attitude of getting what I want?

Having all this questions to myself is frustrating to do...
Can't even find the answers, what must I do?
Will things be the same like when I was young and unstoppable?
Or will it be different, now that I've grown and matured?

Live life to the fullest, live life like there's no tomorrow.
Live, love and be happy for whatever you have and for who you are...
You are who you are and you are the only one who can change yourself.
Nobody knows who we really are better than ourselves, only people tend to be our judges if we still need to change something to make as more better person.

Writing is not my genre, but I love doing some, especially when I want to be accepted.
To be in the lime light is my thing, but I have to leave it to earn a living.
Acting, dancing and singing, audience clapping and appreciating, things that I love to do.
Will I still get the chance to be with you?

I am a farmer of my own land, a driver of my own car and a guide to my own road.
I reminisce the past, live for the present and look forward to a bright future.
I will be whom I want to be but will always listen to criticism and accept the changes that needs to be done in order for me to be a better person, never dream to be the best coz there's always someone better than you are.

Just being me, Boys love me, Parents appreciate me, Insecure hates me and Friends couldn't live without me.
Love me, Hate me, or care for me... It's all up to you, but never judge my personality especially when you don't even know me, first impression change unless you tend to be a good judge.

What's the difference?

what's the difference between the two?

I always ask myself why both girls can be so publicly open with their relationships without any issues asked and boys always have one?

Isn't unfair that lesbian relationships are more open rather then gay relationships?

Filipino mentality is such a crazy thing to be with, we're unable to understand what do they really want. Everyone notices what you do and whatever your planning to do? They always question your appearances from root to tips, the way you speak and the way you act. So frustrating and tiring, why can't we move on and live for what is at the present time and just be happy and contented. I'm not saying that we forget our traditions coz it's already a part of our family, our daily lives and even before we were born. What I'm trying to say is that we try to cope up with the changes coz it happens very fast, live our lives to the fullest coz we might not know when will He be taking it back.

Why can't we just leave the old times and just remember them as part of our history, our past which can be of help in deciding on what we'll do in the future but will stay and live for the present.

Let's face it, changes happen for a reason, don't we notice, we love to experiment, that's the thing with our big brains, we know everything, all of us. No one wants to be called birdbrain that's why we see to it that we always know something new.

As for the old ones, don't be plastics, if I may say, once you try it, you'll definitely look for it and try it once more, ladies, don't be insecured by gays, you still have what it takes... Be experimental, as for the wifeys and granma's, watch your men's back coz they might try having you know what with gays, you might not know they want to try how it feels to have one with us. I already know a few out there who loves doing it without you knowing that they are already enjoying what we can give. hahaha

Simple rule, "let's not be discriminating and judgmental". Especially does who doesn't even have the chance to be on our feet, you don't know how it feels to belong. Feel free to be you, happy and contented for whatever you have. God Cares for us all and He does not choose whom to love, no rules and boundaries no questions being asked if you are straight or not, those who do are the once who have lot's of insecurities amongst themselves.

April Fools Month...

April 15, 2008, I left the country to have our mortgage training in Mount Laurel, NJ in US for 3 months, that was already 1 year ago. (I'm missing the place so much)

My second flight to another country after my unsuccessful flight to Japan several years back.

Never have I dreamed that what my accounts plan of sending some of us to US will push through, but it did and I was one of the lucky person chosen to be trained and have the opportunity to work with our clients.

Got 10 years multiple entry visa, have the chance to see several spots of the eastern US territory. Who won't fell in love with this country that everyone is dreaming about. Has no restrictions and discrimination, always open to changes and development.



This is my Apartment, I stayed with 5 Indian guys who happens to be our team mates from India, stayed with them for 1 week then I transferred to my Filipino team mates apartment.

So love this place, so peaceful and silent, I can live here for all my life.

Missing all the people whom I met a year ago, lot's of them became my friend and some became my buddies who goes on with the flow and who's always with wherever we go.

I'm still hoping that at this present year I'll be having another opportunity to go back to this country and have the chance of appreciating and loving the beautiful sights that this dream land has to offer. Another opportunity to meet new race and learn new cultures.


At the present time, April fools month means...



Body to Body Year 4, where I had the chance to work as with the Hunks and Babes from Central Luzon. My second time to be a part of this prestigious fashion bikini summit, which was held at Bruno and Diego, Diamond Subd. Balibago, Angeles City.

This event showcase lots of handsome men and gorgeous ladies who hails mostly from Pampanga. Produce by Mr. Dan Sampanga, and of course with the cooperation of our highly appreciated sponsors.

15 handsome hunks and 15 sexy and gorgeous ladies vies for the title, Body to Body 2009 the next level winner. Top on my list are as follows, for the males; candidate# 10 Richard Pangilinan, my dear friend Jim Eric candidate #1, Jeffrey Payumo, Josh Bustillo and Aaron Yanga candidate# 15, and for the ladies I have, candidate# 7 Tomoyo Sakan (hope I spelled her name right), Tin2 candidate# 13, and of course Mia Ayson candidate# 14, also candidate#1 perky gal Shaine Mayo. The bonding with this guys made me miss my first time of being B2B staff which happens to be the B2B year 3. I will never forget this experience, to Mama Dan, ever so strong and caring, our mother. Tita Vedz the all around tita of us all, the 3 R's love you guys! mwaaahhh...


I called this blog April fools month coz at this month, I started to dream what can happen in reality. This month is my time to shine once again.