I'm Falling for you...

The hardships of being a gay...

I'm committed to date, been 9 months, couldn't say that it's perfect since we don't have perfect communication with each other. Do I still love him? that I can't answer straight coz my heart is beating for someone else right now. A person whom I know I can help in building his dreams, I feel so sad that I have to feel this way, maybe I just grew tired of asking for him to grow up and be responsible and found someone who captures my interest when it comes to being responsible and has a dream, a goal to achieve in life.

Yes, I'm honest and true that I'm not faithful coz I still go out with different guys all the time, but that doesn't mean that I didn't love him. I already gave everything that I've got and being with him is the biggest challenge I ever had. He's not my lucky charm I guess, coz whenever he's near trouble is on its way. Being so perky and kind is becoming quite difficult, I can't say "NO" or should I say that I don't know how to say "NO".

The dilemma of meeting someone new and that someone captures your heart is quite frustrating. I should have stop myself from the very start if I only knew that things will be this way. I know that I need to be contented with whom I'm committed with right now, but I can't stop myself from caring two special person at the same time. I always say to myself that I need to focus with one priority at a time but since I am confident that I can handle things very well, might as well go on.

When the time comes and it will cause me pain, then that I guess would be the time for me to stop and start a new.

8 mos and we're getting stronger?

It's been 8 mos since we committed with each other, haven't seen him though for quite a while. I've missed him? I guess so... can't hardly say "YES" coz my heart is becoming confused with all this guys coming my way.

Last time that we went out together was January 17th, 2011 and then that was it, he only greeted me last February during valentines day, our monthsary and my birthday. He didn't show up though, I expected him to be on my birthday but he didn't come and it hurts me a lot coz he always have excuses that he's shy facing my family.

On our 8th month he greeted me and we've seen each other after a day or two. I did miss him, his kiss and hugs... His smell and the way he smiles at me... But why can't I stop myself from missing someone else?

--- 2010 ---

"And so this is Christmas, and what have we done? Another year over, a new just begun" just a simple line from one of my favorite Christmas songs sung by Celine Dion.

Year 2010 gave me a lot of career rise and down fall at the same time. Realizations and uncountable blessings, it made me more stronger and became more open with lot's of changes that's happening with my environment.

Let's start...

January...

Start of my year was great, I was chosen as training apprentice for my PHH account and was getting ready to handle my training class for one of the PTC Queues. Am not sure if there's something special ever happened for this month... Hmmmnn, there's one; Giann a very good friend of mine won Mr. HAU and I've been being introduce to some well known personality here in Pampanga.

February...

Got a year older, being more witty and experienced. One of the most unforgettable was when I got my trainees pass their training though some of them fail, I'm still happy cause I produce a competent team who is very open when it comes to changes. Another one was when I pass out in the Mansion while partying with my SGroup family, I lost one of the most valuable and sentimental property I ever had my entire life. I lost my cellphone which happens to be my very first consolation working with Sutherland 3 days before my birthday. Well, not to mention that my birthday was the saddest one since I was left by my family. But, I survived and learned the rule when it comes to partying and drinking.

March...

Became one of the SME's for my account. Had handled my own team which happens to be my trainees also, tested my patience of doing what the supervisors though for my understanding is that my position has a different approach. Nothing special for the month though.

April, May and June...

Summer full of fun, shocking truth and unacceptable circumstances. Within these months, I got the chance to be with old friends and family. I also got the chance to strut my staff inside the fashion world. Handle bikini pageants once again which I often does for the past years since I came back from being an event organizer in Manila. Unexpected problem occurred with some projects am working on with and yet everything came out just fine.

I lost one of my best friends due to an accident and can't accept the truth and see him for the last time. Got the pass to watch Philippines Fashion week after a long while not getting the chance to watch it. Being able to have a reunion with my theatrical family, have fun with them and enjoy their company.

July...

One of the saddest and unforgettable month of the year. Not able to sign my new position as SME and was transferred to another account, it broke my heart and yet we can't do anything. Growing up in the industry with only one motto "business needs" is quite difficult and yet you need to go with the flow.

Unforgettable, simply because I found that special person that I've been longing for such a long time. July 17th, a very special day. After 7 years of searching and moving forward from my last, I finally found him, not to mention that everything is very sudden, no formal dates and I don't even knew him that much and yet I felt that he can be that one special person that I could take good care of.

August...

Tragic, health issues and downfalls. First week after being totally depressed and frustrated with the new environment that I'll be working with, I got sick. My Pharynx and tonsils were swollen and I need to take a rest for almost a week due to high fever and as per my doctors advise. Feeling better, I went to work though not totally well yet I know I can handle myself so I pushed through.

On the 13th, bad news came from my father's family. My Aunt had one of her brain nerve snapped causing her to be comatose. However, due to busy schedule I wasn't able to visit her when she was rushed to the hospital and was transferred to my other Aunt's place since they don't have the money to have her admitted to ICU. She died Tuesday, and I went to her funeral the next day after my shift. All eyes on me, hearing words that pierced my heart, and was judge that I need to be sorry for what happened to my Aunt. It didn't affect me cause I know that I have never neglected my Aunt emotionally and physically. The only thing that I feel sorry for is that I did not get the chance to help her financially when I already knew that she was sick due to the negative feedbacks that I hear about where her money goes. I missed her so much, the person who was there when I stand on my own already left me, she did not even gave me the chance to thank her for everything and yet I know that she's already happy where ever she is right now. --- Merry Christmas Aunt Marte ---

After my Aunt's Burial, got sick once again, having my kidney swollen at this point. I really don't feel very well, being totally shocked and yet I can't do anything about it. The only thing that I've got to do was to have my continues medication that cost me a lot. A month full of trials and yet ended up having everything fixed up and better.

September...

September 17, 2010... One of the biggest event that ever happened in my corporate life. I won first runner with Sutherland's Carnival Queen, I was only hoping to bag one award and yet I got more than what I was expecting. It felt like a true beauty queen, everyone was looking at you, sending praises and knowing you a lot more. Winning this corporate, fun filled and employee engagement pageant gave me and opened a lot of opportunities to know more people and be more closer with my new account and also within the outside community.

October and November...

Nothing new, what else to expect when everything that happens daily is just the same from the past few days. 17th of the month will still be my special day with my special someone. Got the chance to meet new people and be their friends.

Had the chance to work with the top fashion designers of Angeles City as Choreographer/Director and Make Up Artist. Tiring and yet satisfying, what is life if you won't make the most of it?

December...

Final countdown before Christmas and New Year. Waited to received my 13th month and spend some for myself and for my love ones. Felt sad cause I didn't have SL conversion and yet very happy to have a moment with my special one and also with my Family. Best gift that I ever received this Christmas is when one person whom you don't expect the most reached out and greeted you 2 hours before Christmas day.

New Year is fast approaching, do I need to have resolutions again? or just have to live my life fully once a day? I already made a lot of mistakes my whole life and this coming year will be my chance to right what I've done wrong and try to fix everything that can be fixed. To start moving forward and embrace my responsibility with my parents as their child. To help my siblings grow up and have a life of their own. to be more wise in every decision that I'll be facing. To be strong in facing life's trials and difficulties, that no matter what happens I'll be understanding and have belief that HE won't be giving me this challenges and trials if HE knows that I can't handle it myself.

Becoming me is difficult and yet I know that I grew up very well. Prim and proper, sophisticated, fashionable and strong wilde all at one. I'm just hoping that as I get older this coming 2011, I'll gain more wisdom and knowledge. A lot of growth opportunities when it comes to my career with Sutherland. Travel opportunities inside and outside of the country. Learning opportunities that was been stucked for a long time.

Farewell 2010, you helped me grow a lot.

Starting a new, I am now closing this chapter of my life and will just look back to reflect on what I've done negatively, leave it and learn from it. Maintain and improve what I've done positively.

2011 is the start of a new...

- gApS -

was it LOVE or STUPIDITY...

In your life I'm alone again, I'm back to being your number one.

Till when I'm not sure...

Time heals all wounds as they all say and you're still young.

Can you keep your promise that you'll wait for her

Last night after the chaos in your life, after all the harsh decisions you've done

I saw you in tears for the second time, not because of me but because of her...

I may not know what's the real reason behind, all I know is that you're both young,

Our old ones may not tell how much they care, but they were trying.

If ever they have said inappropriate words for our special ones, that may hurt but making harsh decisions won't solve anything, bigger problems will then occur that can hurt you both the most.

You've told me everything and it pained me seeing how you were torned apart.

I should be happy coz you'll have time for me again and yet I can't.

I was touched when you told me that your girl really liked me and yet I still cover my defense with hypocrisy of not liking her at all.

She being thankful for my kindness tickled my heart and knew how stupid I was not wanting her to be a friend.

I'm simply scared for what I will feel if the three of us got along just fine, I'm still the under dog coz am the one who was to be kept secret to everyone, unlike her whom you can hold hands in public and with whom you can utter the words that I've been longing to hear.

9 months you promised that you'll be waiting for her, and should I then feel happy and contented since I'll have you for 9 months and mine alone.
Will there be only me or after a month or two you'll be healed and will move forward to find anew.
It's been difficult to see you in tears coz I want to hold you tight, hug you and cuddle you up and feel all the pain that you have in your heart.

I feel bad for what had happened instead of being happy coz I'm the only one that you have.
What I've been hoping for and yet my heart knew and feels that I can only occupy a small part in your heart.
Whatever happens am just here for you until such time that I'll have to leave and find myself to start a new.
Was it because of love that I'm accepting everything or stupidity that I'm like playing a game?

A love to share...

September 19-23, 2010



19th September, my boy's brother's thanksgiving party at their place. I was invited just the other night while am at work. I can't say no since he's already a good friend of mine and just told him that if his brother's gf will be there then I might not make it so he needs to give me a signal or whatever.



Around 10 pm when I went to their house bringing Choco Oatmeal Fudge which happens to be their favorite among my baked products. (they haven't tasted my banana cake and choco cookies yet and my cousin's chocolate cake...). I saw my boy outside with his girl, does it matter? well, it didn't affect me coz I'm already composed to being a total bitch that particular night. What I really intended to do was to intimidate her which I successfully did, I'm a well spoken person and very outgoing anyway. I wish I could look straight to my boy that night and yet I can't I can sense uneasiness on my part, I'm totally uncomfortable with the situation am at the moment and yet I can't just walk away and leave.



I was introduce to everyone except for one, and I don't need to mention who, and that's when I felt more welcome. I had a drink with my boy's brother's friends and it was cool coz they are all outspoken and very open and fun. Didn't get the chance to mingle with my boy coz his girl was there and I don't want to get near her. I didn't stay that long since some friends were there waiting for me, and even though I brought money with me, I didn't gave out any for them to buy more alcohol. What was on my mind that night was; "it's not my night anyway... and why would I spend if she will be staying drinking my part".



20th September, monday, first day of the week. Waking up with a smile painted on my face, I realized that everything that had happened between us was not that much of a challenge. He might have his girl, but that doesn't mean that he care less for me. My whole day was a blast not to include that it's already my off the next day, time to rest again. I rec'd a text message from him around 4pm asking where am at. I replied that I am at work, he then replied that he had a problem, told me to inform him when my shift already ended. As soon as I ended my shift I texted him and asked him if we'll be meeting but then I haven't rec'd anything. I waited until such time that I already fell asleep, tried calling him but his phone was already out of reach.

21st September, I went out with some friends to watch UP dance competition. I asked one of his closest friend where he was and just told me that if I wish to see him we need to go together coz nobody knew where was he staying. Told him that I can't go coz I'm judging a competition, asked him to tell my boy to just text me and see after the event. Around 12 midnight when I got the chance to see him, I can sense his uneasiness and the urge to not stay that long out side. I barely knew the reason why.

22nd of September, I brought him clothes and bought some personal stuff. I can't resist not helping him out though his brother already informed me that they have been looking for him and his GF since they were both missing for 3 days already. I lied and kept things my own even though I knew all his where abouts, I did not give out information. I knew right there and then that she was staying with him and yet it did not stop me from supporting him. It kinda hurt and yet I can't do anything about it, he badly needs me, they badly needs my support.

23rd of September, did not hear any from him. I understood his situation and just let him have his time for his own.

Carnival Queen 2010 - Sutherland Clark

" Well, since this is an employee engagement program activity win or lose as long as I've enjoyed the competition then I'm happy... "



" Can you please enlighten us with your Motto; Fata Viam Inveniente... "



These are the few words being asked and answered by me during the most prestegious night that we had at Sutherland Clark for benefits of the homosexuals.



Bagging the title as 1st runner up is already a great honor on my part. Never did I expect to enter the top 3, all I'm hoping was to bagged at least one of the minor awards. Bagging Best in Creative Costume already made me feel satisfied and not longed to be part of the top 3 coz I know that my co candidates are more deserving than I do. But then again, I competed with confidence and enjoynment. Our motto was just one word; "Enjoy" coz no matter what happens, win or lose, as long as everyone was happy and the people of Sutherland participated, then that's the biggest achievement that we have all deserve.

Carnival Queen 2010 is part of the employee engagement program that we have at Sutherland Clark. We have at least one event per month to relieve the stress and work pressure that we deal during ordinary days. It's fun to see everyone enjoying, giving full support, each account participated and give out applauds and encouragement to their candidates. In my part there were 2 of us who's representing our account and who ever wins doesn't matter. Thanks to the creative minds of HR Events Coordinator Bobet Menesis and ever powerful host of each event Paul Montinola, they created such event to showcase not only the beauty but also the wit of the homosexuals. With this event the company only shows that there was no discrimination regarding sexuality, that everyone is acceptable in the society.

Heart...

Why in just a simple sorry I can forgive you and be happy once again?
Why can't I be mad at you even though my mind tells me that I have to?
Is this because I love you?

All I asked was a little respect, there were two of us sharing your just one heart. Whom do you really love? I can't answer, but whenever I ask if you'll let me find someone else, you'll answer "never". Now I realized why you always want me to decide whenever I ask what our real status is; If you still want me in your life. You just can't let me go, admit it or not I still play a big part in your life. Am still the first one anyway, problem is... I am not a girl.

My heart belongs only to you, I fell in love with the person I barely knew.
I don't even know when it all started, but as time goes by the deeper I fall and never want us to be parted.
I tried to stop, but you always show me what I wanted to see.
You make me feel what I wanted to feel.

My heart can't stop now, not until I will say goodbye.
I come to realize that loving you will just give me pain and sorrow,
Everyday will be a challenge not knowing when you will let me go...
A wounded heart I may have, but whenever I see you smile, it heals the broken part.

Hoping, longing, wishing and dreaming
One day I'll be the only one again and others will be flings,
Just like when we were just starting...
And most of all, you uttering the words that will make me whole.